The status quo sucks.
Religion is just mind control.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away.
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Regan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".