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5139 E George Carlin The status quo sucks.
Conformism
Conformism
5136 E George Carlin Religion is just mind control.
Religion
Religion
5141 E George Carlin Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Miscellaneous
Miscellaneous
2449 E George Carlin Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Religion
Religion
5126 E George Carlin Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Peace
Peace
4163 E George Carlin Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Humour
Humour
5133 E George Carlin Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Idealism
Idealism
3634 E George Carlin I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Success
Success
5405 E George Carlin More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.
Religion
Religion
5140 E George Carlin There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Time
Time
5125 E George Carlin Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Death
Death
5135 E George Carlin Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
Miscellaneous
Miscellaneous
5128 E George Carlin I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Religion
Religion
5138 E George Carlin The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
Family
Family
5127 E George Carlin Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Religion
Religion
3687 E George Carlin Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
Jokes
Jokes
5134 E George Carlin Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Work
Work
5131 E George Carlin I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
Religion
Religion
4595 E George Carlin I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Humour
Humour
5129 E George Carlin Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take but by the moments that take your breath away.
Life
Life
2558 E George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
Sport
Sport
5130 E George Carlin I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Miscellaneous
Miscellaneous
3573 E George Carlin Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Regan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Sex
Sex
5137 E George Carlin Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Work
Work
5132 E George Carlin I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Religion
Religion
2317 E George Carlin A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
Humour
Humour