Quotes by Woody Allen

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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
Masturbation is having sex with someone you love.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Quando ero piccolo i miei genitori mi volevano talmente bene che mi misero nella culla un orsacchiotto.

Vivo.
I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
More than any other time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
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