Quotes on Umorismo

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Masturbation is having sex with someone you love.
A sense of humor is just common sense dancing.
I want to thank everybody for making this day necessary.
Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. -- Don't answer!
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.
Good-humor is a philosophic state of mind; it seems to say to Nature that we take her no more seriously than she takes us. I maintain that one should always talk of philosophy with a smile.
To me there's no real difference between a fortune teller or a fortune cookie and any of the organized religions. They're all equally valid or invalid, really. And equally helpful.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Blessed is he who has learned to laugh at himself, for he shall never cease to be entertained.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
The secret to humor is surprise.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of everyone else.
Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Humor is just another defense against the universe.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Man, when he realizes that he is an object of comedy, does not laugh.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Well, the telling of jokes is an art of its own, and it always rises from some emotional threat. The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.
31 quotes     Show as list