Quotes by Woody Allen

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I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
 
Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
 
Masturbation is having sex with someone you love.
 
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
 
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
 
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
 
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
 
I have nothing against God, it’s his fan club that scares me.
 
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
 
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
 
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
 
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
 
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
 
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
 
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
 
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.
 
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
 
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
 
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
 
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
 
29 quotes    
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